As our columnist Gary Marshall EXPLAINS, Nokia’s unveiling of its FANCY new Windows Phones wasn’t quite what we EXPECTED.

“Faced with a familiar problem – everybody knowing exactly what they were going to unveil – Nokia decided it was time to shake things up a bit,” he REPORTS.

“First, [CEO] Stephen Elop kept pronouncing the company’s name in a funny Canadian accent, and then they let a madman loose on stage.”

That “madman” was Kevin Shields, a man whose JOB TITLE – senior vice president of program and product management for the smart device – means his business cards are the size of those COMEDY CHEQUES you see in charity photoshoots.